The Day Before We said Goodbye to our Max.....

We took Max back to MSU on Monday, 10/21 to meet with the head of oncology to discuss Max. Max seems to be regressing and we wanted to discuss whether this could be from the new chemo protocol and treatment or if his cancer has progressed.

His doctors weren't too sure since his last scans show no progression on his main tumor or lymph nodes BUT there was cancer detected in the fluid in his abdomen. The head oncologist at MSU said that cancer can be tricky and the main tumor can remain stable while cancer finds other ways to affect the body (like traveling through tissue, etc). It was hard to tell at this point, even for them, so we were taking things day by day.

We had decided at this point that we were going to stop chemo treatments bc if this was from the chemo, we didn't want our boy feeling so bad. He was just doing so well and in an instant, he seemed to be regressing quickly. He hasn't wanted to eat, he has been experiencing horrible diarrhea since his 3rd chemo treatment of Vinblastine, and we are just trying to right his body at this point. We are desperately hoping this is just from chemo and as the chemo leaves his body, his symptoms will lessen and we can just ride out Max's time with him feeling good.

We were taking things day by day, bc if it is not the chemo, and indeed the cancer that has progressed, we don't want our boy suffering. We can't let that happen. Each day this week Max would sleep more and more until he was sleeping 90% of the time. Each day he was taking further steps backwards and almost not eating at all. We tried EVERYTHING we could. He would eat only certain things, but he wouldn't touch chicken or other things that he use to love and he would usually never eat something more than once. We were going through our arsenal in the pantry trying fish, chicken, beef, baby food, canned dog food, lunch meat.... you name it. Our boy just didn't want to eat.

We were getting to the point where we were having to pick him up to get him to go outside. When he'd go out, he wanted to be there. He'd go potty and then sually lie down in the grass and just stay there. Max knew his time was coming and he just wanted to smell the crisp air and lie down in the grass.

We were all still camping out together in the living room and Colin and I had a good system down with Maxie. We would take him outside together and since he was still having diarrhea (since 10/15), it would take the two of us to make sure he was cleaned up well and had his diapy back on and to make sure he was comfortable. His butt rash was all healed up now and we had found our rhythm. Colin was sleeping on the couch with Sammy Lammington and Max and I were sleeping together on the mattress we drug out from our bedroom. We'd go to sleep together and we'd wake up together. The days ticked by.

As the week progressed, we were realizing more and more that this was most likely NOT from the chemo and that it was indeed from the cancer. Someone from our Brittany group that we belong to sent me a "How do you know when your pet is telling you it's time" list and Max fit almost all of them. He was sleeping round the clock. He was not interacting with toys. On Wednesday he started refusing all of his pills (even when we put them in yummies like lunch meat or cheese). Max was only getting up to go to the bathroom and then he wanted to lie right back down. His quality of life was starting to suffer.

On Thursday I went to McDonald's to buy Max and Sammy a cheeseburger. I was desperate to get some food in him and I figured a cheeseburger was just what the doctor ordered. Max LOVED cheeseburgers and special treats from McDonald's so I really thought this would be the trick.

When I walked in the door, he looked up with excitement and walked towards me. I was so hopeful! I ripped off a piece of burger and he just turned his face away and went to go and lie back down. He wanted nothing to do with it. I started crying. My boy didn't even want a cheeseburger.

That afternoon I was talking with Max and letting him know how much I loved him and I told him everything I wanted him to know. It was just him and I. I let him know how much I loved him and how he had saved me and changed my life. I told my Max all of the things on my heart and I let him know that Colin, Sammy, and I were going to be ok. I let him know it was ok for him to go. Max sat there listening intently and stared at me and listened to every single word I said. We ended the conversation with a kiss and he just stared at me. I stared right back in his eyes and if he could talk I think he would have said "Mama I am so tired. I am ready to go now". I just felt it with all my being that that is what my Max was telling me.

I talked with Colin and we called MSU to set up an appt for the next day to take him in. I couldn't even get the words out to the receptionist on the phone. I had to keep taking deep breaths and when I would go to speak, just noises came out. No words could be formed. The poor lady on the other end said "I understand". Sigh.

That afternoon, we took Max outside and we were given such a beautiful gift. Max laid down in the grass. We laid next to him. I took out my phone and started taking pics and it was as if the world stopped and everything was about that one moment. Max didn't act sick. He would stick his nose up in the air and smell all the smells he could. He would turn his head to the side when he heard a leaf crunch and he'd bite at the air when a fly flew by. He was giving kissies, trying to eat leaves, and acting like his normal crazy self. What a gift. Our hearts were full. Just me, Colin, and my Max.

As the day turned into night, we really wanted Max to try and eat again. We couldn't stand the thought of him going to heaven on an empty stomach. We decided we need to make something really good - something he couldn't resist.... so we made his absolute favorite.

I took out a package of bacon and laid 5 strips on my sheet pan and crisped them up in the oven. Max couldn't resist the smell. His nose went crazy as he lifted his head and took a deep breath in to smell smell smell. Max ate bacon that night. He shared with his brofur, Sammy, but Max ate and enjoyed every single bite. And after the bacon.... he ate his cheeseburger. The whole darn thing. It was marvelous.

It made us so happy that our boy enjoyed his last meal and it was a meal that he always loved.

Our boy, some bacon and a cheeseburger.

After he ate his bacon and cheeseburger, he walked into the kitchen and walked straight through Colin's legs for butt scratchies. Max has always LOVED his butt scratchies and he'd walk halfway through your legs and stop for butt scratchies. He would stomp his feet up and down and wiggle his little booty. Tonight after dinner, it was butt scratchy time. Stomp stomp stomp. Wiggle wiggle wiggle. All of Max's favorites rolled into one special day. Another gift we are so thankful for.

Right at dusk, we went outside for a potty break and I stopped dead in my tracks. Every night for the past few months, I was greeted at night time with a dark black sky and white specks everywhere. God serenaded me every night with a sky blanketed with stars and constellations. It was very soothing to me to be out there at all hours of the night and into the morning taking Max out for his potty breaks while conversing with God through the stars and the different phases of the moon.

But tonight was different. As I walked out onto our back porch, it wasn't a black sky that greeted me. It was a blanket of purple shades. I immediately started to cry as I whispered "I see you God".

You see, every time I pray for peace and comfort for others, I pray that God would "drape them with a blanket of peace & comfort" and I always envision a large purple blanket being laid down over whomever I am praying for. Tonight. the day before Max was going to be in heaven, God was draping us. The sky was shades of purple and it looked like a purple blanket waiting just for us. I took great comfort in know that God was very near.

It was around midnight now and we were going out one last time for the night before bedtime. Just hours before, the sky was a cloudy purple and it had been super cloudy most of the day. I didn't think I would see a star in the sky tonight. Boy was I wrong. We walked out around 12am to a sky full of stars. That sparkly glitter I have talked about before was thrown into the air and settled against this black backdrop. Hello God. I see you again.

For now, we cover ourselves in purple and we marvel at the stars in the sky and we thank God for the gifts He gave us today.

Until tomorrow my friends......