Good Grief

Charlie Brown certainly had it right. "Good Grief"! You remember how Charlie Brown would always say this and it became known as his motto. Sometimes when I watch episodes of Charlie Brown I can't actually believe how much bullying is in it! Like whoa! I don't know how we didn't realize it when we were kids but for the love - this cartoon character in his mustard yellow black chevron printed shirt was treated like crap! No wonder his motto was "Good Grief"! 

But the more I thought about this funny little character with his one piece of curly hair on the top of his head and his smart-alic gang of friends that he, for some reason, kept hanging out with, the more I thought that maybe there really is something to "Good Grief.

Grief is something we all experience at some point in our lives. None of us are immune to it. 

We will all experience grief in some form or the other, whether it be losing a parent, a child, a loved one, or a beloved pet. 

The word grief itself is defined in this way: "Grief is a multifaceted response to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed."

 The definition itself explains how there can be good in grief. In order for someone to be impacted by a loss there has to be some type of bond formed. There is a quote that says "Don't smile bc it's over; smile bc it happened". When we experience a great loss or deep grief, at least for me, it helps to be grateful that the bond and relationship happened in the first place. 

I remember experiencing this when we lost our fur boy, Max. I remember reading another quote that said "When you have a dog, you will experience hundreds of good days and then have one horrible day". 

When I step back and think about that, it is really hard to not be grateful for the love and bond we had. For those hundreds, and for us, thousands of good days we had with our Maxie we are forever grateful.

Another quote says it well, too. 

"It's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all". 

Do you believe that? 

You see, when we grieve, our hearts feel like they are literally broken. 

Sometimes we feel like we will never be the same again, and for some of us, the truth of the matter is..... we won't. 

My friends... that's because we aren't meant to be. 

We aren't meant to be the same.

We are meant to be changed. 

When we experience deep sorrow and grief, it changes us and it's up to us to determine how we will be changed.

We can become bitter, resentful, or angry, or we can choose to be grateful, thankful, and find the good that comes in times of grief.

There is good...... I promise you, and I know this with certainty bc God experienced deep grief too and something good came from it.

God experienced grief when His son died on the cross and that had to be some deep deep grief.

Even though God knew it was going to happen and even though it NEEDED to happen, it doesn't mean God didn't experience grief while His son suffered. 

But good came from that grief and good, I assure you, can come from your grief, too.

No matter what kind of grief you are experiencing, there is good in it if you choose to see it.

Feel your grief. Don't push it aside. Don't bury it bc it will come no matter what you do. 

Feeling and experiencing grief is something we are meant to feel. Without grief we wouldn't have an appreciation for love. Without grief we wouldn't understand the deep deep bond that is possible. 

It's like light and dark.

Without darkness we cannot appreciate the light.

Without bad times we wouldn't be able to have a deep appreciation for the good times.

Without rain storms we wouldn't see rainbows! 

When you go through times of grief, look for the rainbow. When you are experiencing deep times of grief and sorrow look for the light and be grateful for the bond and love that got you here.

And most of all, when you are grieving, remember and focus on the One person that truly knows the kind of grief you are going through - God! 

If there is anyone that understands grief it is God and He is the one that can get you through times of sorrow and come out the other end with a deeper love and deeper peace than you ever thought was possible.

We feel grief bc we have loved.

We love bc God loved us first.

Take God on this grief journey with you and for once in your life be like Charlie Brown in saying "Good Grief". 

xoxoxo,

Brenda

 

 

New Years!!

Every year on New Years day we sit down and dump out our jars and read through all of our blessings and memories that took place throughout the year. It's ALWAYS sooooo much fun to read the little notes that our family and friends left us on visits throughout the year, too! This has been such a fun tradition for years now.

Yesterday we sat down and started reading through our blessings jar and one of the first ones I read was from January of 2019.

We had suspected something was wrong with Max because he was drinking a ton of water so I took him to the vet in January to have a bunch of tests ran (Cushings, Addisons, etc). Every test that came back was negative and after weeks of trying to figure it out, the vet surmised the excessive drinking was behavioral and she told us we had a healthy Max. The note I read yesterday said "So grateful that all of Max's tests came back negative and that we were told we have a healthy boy".

Looking back on this now we could either be mad at our vet for missing his cancer, we could be mad at ourselves for not asking for addtional testing like an ultrasound, or we could remain grateful. Grateful, not for the heartbreak and challenge of what Max endured last year or what we went through, but grateful that we had him in the first place.

In life, sometimes awful things happen. We will ALL have to go through heartbreak, tough, and challenging times - many of which we don't deserve. Sometimes in life we will feel like we are getting throat punched or kicked in the gut for no reason at all. These times in life can knock us down or rise us up. These times can either make us bitter or they can make us better. They can tear us apart or they can grow us up.

You and me - we will NEVER be exempt from bad things happening. It's a fact of life. But what we can control is how we will react and deal when the waves come crashing down.

That slip of paper we read yesterday that said "So grateful that all of Max's tests came back well" doesn't make me mad. I could beat myself up and wonder "If only I had him checked further" but that is not going to get me any where. The truth of the matter is Max would probably still not be here today bc of the nature of his disease. The truth of the matter is this was a part of our journey from the very beginning.

I choose being grateful over being bitter. I choose growth over being right or over pointing fingers. I choose to be thankful that of the billions of people on this earth, that God chose us to know and love Max. God knew what was going to happen. He knew the journey ahead of us and he still chose us.

In life, we all get knocked down but I refuse to let that be my story. I refuse to let that define me. What defines me is knowing God and growing closer to Him through every battle I fight. What defines me is growing through pain, focusing on Jesus during times of grief and storms, and never thinking "why me" or "how could this happen".

Last year was a tough year full of tears and grief but it was also a year full of personal growth and growing closer to God than I ever thought was possible. I didn't run from what God had in store for us - I leaned in.... and that made all the difference.

I pray that for each one of you this year! When the waters rise, lean in. When grief comes or when the battle starts.... lean in to God and watch what He can do! ❤ #mymax

Max has Angel Wings....

We were given so many wonderful gifts yesterday that we are so grateful for. This morning the gifts kept coming. We haven't seen rabbits around our property for a few months now. In the summer and early fall, we were trying to live trap these 2 rabbits that were getting into our backyard because our boys always want to eat the rabbit milk duds left all around our yard. We especially don't want Max eating them right now but Sammy goes to town on them, running feverishly through the backyard searching for tiny pellets..... and his breath - OH BOY! But, thankfully the rabbits wised up (or were rehomed by hawks or coyotes) and they disappeared awhile back, giving Colin and I a much needed break from chasing Sammy around screaming "Stop eating rabbit poop!".

Today we are taking Max to MSU to help him along to gain his angel wings. On this last morning, my husband, Colin, took Max out for his morning potty break. Before they even stepped off the back deck, the chase was on. Max, who has been very slow moving the last few weeks from his disc issue and not feeling well, took off like a ...... well, like a cancer free dog chasing a rabbit. :) Max saw the little milk dud imposter and lept off the back deck like he was superman and took off running. His 4 legs carried him as fast as they could and for a moment, he was just Max chasing a rabbit. He wasn't sick. He wasn't injured. He wasn't tired. He didn't have cancer. He was my black & white furry playful rabbit chasing Max. What a gift to see!

The day you know you are taking your furry loved one to gain his angel wings is really a tough day on so many levels. Everything for them that day is going to be their last. It was tough thinking "this will be his last time in our backyard" or "this will be the last time he sees his brother until they meet again one day" or "this is the last bite of food he is ever going to enjoy." Ugh. I had to keep shifting my mind away from the "this will be the last time" thoughts to focusing on the moment and just enjoying time with our boy.

Then there is the decision "What blanket do we bring with us? Do we bring his favorite toys? Do we keep them with him or bring them home after?" Ahead of time there is the "I want to clip some of his hair so we have it" or "Let's get a mold of his nose or We need paw prints made". The weeks leading up to that final day are hurried and rushed with all the "Need tos" and "Want to have that" and it's really a mind screwer upper. With people, normally, we are not helping them along. Except for Dr. Kevorkian (unless it's legal now in some states) we normally don't help along people in gaining their angel wings. That is usually left to God and time and disease or natural causes or tragedy. It is a difficult thing to wrap your mind around ending the life of someone or something you love (although to us, Max will never be a something - he is a someone to us always). Maybe some of you that have helped your fur babies along understand some of what I am saying.

Well.....

The time has come and it was time to leave. Max and Sammy sniffed each other as we put on Max's harness to leave. We know that his brother, Sammy, knew he was sick. We know that Sammy knew Max was really sick these past few days, because he gave us the space and time we needed to take care of Max. Sammy would lay on the couch and watch us as we cleaned up Max after potty breaks (still having bad diarrhea). He watched as we wiped him down and put his double diapies on and then lifted him onto the mattress where we have been camping out for a few weeks now. He watched as we hovered over Max and sang him his favorite songs and as we told Max everything we have ever wanted him to know. Sammy watched. He watched as we headed out the door to the car and cried out to his brother for the last time.

As we headed to the vet school on MSU's campus where Max had been treated for the past several months, Max and I snuggled in the backseat for the hour long drive. We rolled down the window so Max could stick his head out and breathe in the fresh crisp air and take in all the smells. My husband and I talked about how blessed we have been to have had this fur baby in our lives and we reminisced about how we got Max and how we knew it was God ordained that this boy was ours. I had to take a lot of deep breaths and tried to get as many kissies as I could during the drive. I thought it was important we didn't cry or show that we were upset bc I didn't want Max's last car ride to be sad for him. These fur babies feed off our emotions and I had really tried over the past month or so to keep my tears in private and when I was feeling overwhelmed, I slipped away to handle myself rather than doing it in front of the dogs.

I found myself clutching Max on my lap, stroking his fur between my fingers and trying to memorize every single stroke. Colin and I talked about the things we were grateful for. We reminisced the silly antics and the crazy experiences we had with Max. We talked about how he bursted his way into our lives and all the moves we had with him, the different houses, the different backyards he made his, and the holidays, birthdays, and ripped up pillows and toys we experienced together.

As we walked in to MSU, we received yet another gift. With the nature of Max's disease, it has affected the way he goes potty. In the past few weeks, he pees in a low stance (more like a girl dog pees) and in the past few days you can see it has become increasingly uncomfortable for him to pee. It is even painful to watch and I often have to wipe away tears when taking him potty. But, as we walked into MSU, Max walked right up to this cement pole and threw his leg in the air as high as it would go, and although he was still wearing a diapy :), he pee'd. He stood there in the male dog stance, leg lifted as high as it would go, him looking as proud and healthy as can be, and he pee'd. It brought tears to both of our eyes. We stood there amazed, laughing, and crying with HUGE smiles on our faces. Not a gift to most.... but definitely a gift to us.

We were ushered into a room and ahead of time we were able to choose who we wanted in there with us so we chose the head of Oncology, Dr. Paulo Vilar and the head of the radiation team, Leanne Magestro. Both of which took such great care of our Max during this journey and meant a lot to us. Max was pretty fiesty, and I had warned Colin that we can't be fooled by this behavior and let that deter us from this decision bc Max always was pretty hyper and had lots of adrenaline at the vet. Even after a double treatment of both radiation and chemo, he would come bursting through the doors dragging a vet tech behind him. They tried to put in an IV while we were in the room with him but his vein blew bc he couldn't sit still, so they took him into the back.

Colin and I had brought his bankie with us and his bed and we sat on the floor starting to feel panicked. I started to rock, as you know I do when I am stressed, and we both started breathing fast to the point we couldn't catch our breath. We both started crying and we exchanged words about how difficult this was. I grabbed his hands, we took several deep long breaths together in unison, and I said "We can do this. We can do this Colin".

Then, in walked our Max. He was much calmer now, and I am convinced and ever-so-thankful that they probably slipped him a micky in the back. He immediately laid down in his bed. He snuggled up against the side like he always did at home and he put his head down. I bent down and asked him for a kiss which he gladly gave me. Colin got one, too. Leanne asked if we were ready to which I replied, "No".

I always use to sing to Max and Sammy. We have a special song I always sing at bedtime and Max would fall asleep to it. It's been a tradition for quite some time. I wanted to sing him his bedtime song. So, I took a deep breath and started to sing. I had to talk through most of it and Colin chimed in, too, as we sang these sweet words.

The rocket racer's all tuckered out,
Max & Sam in pajamas on the couch,
Good night moon will find the mouse,
And I love you.....

God speed little Max,
Sweet dreams my Max.

Oh my love will fly to you each night 
On angel's wings.....
God speed.... 
Sweet dreams.

Sweet dreams my love.
Sweet dreams.

With that, I let her know we were ready. Max fell asleep soundly as he rested against the side of his bed with us holding him in our arms.

Our sweet Max was gone.

Just like that, he gained his angel wings.

It was very peaceful. It was fast.

Our boy was gone.

We have no doubt when he opened his eyes in heaven, he bum-rushed Jesus and took a flying superman leap into his arms and slobbered him with kissies, just as he did to us all the time.

We are sure that Max has probably had many time-outs in heaven, just like he did when he went to daycare, from annoying the other dogs too much. We have no doubt that he is running free, whole and healed, and oh so happy. He is probably wiping his wanks on things, barking and trying to eat bees, and he is probably so so happy.

Our boy has wings and is watching over us. He is our guardian angel and has left paw prints so deep in our hearts that we can feel him every day. Our brown almond shaped eyed boy with black & white soft fur that kissed us till our faces were raw is now in heaven.... and we are forever changed bc of him.

Cancer did not win today my friends. I have always said and will continue to say, that we ALL won bc we knew a black and white dog named Max.

xoxoxo,
Brenda

The Day Before We said Goodbye to our Max.....

We took Max back to MSU on Monday, 10/21 to meet with the head of oncology to discuss Max. Max seems to be regressing and we wanted to discuss whether this could be from the new chemo protocol and treatment or if his cancer has progressed.

His doctors weren't too sure since his last scans show no progression on his main tumor or lymph nodes BUT there was cancer detected in the fluid in his abdomen. The head oncologist at MSU said that cancer can be tricky and the main tumor can remain stable while cancer finds other ways to affect the body (like traveling through tissue, etc). It was hard to tell at this point, even for them, so we were taking things day by day.

We had decided at this point that we were going to stop chemo treatments bc if this was from the chemo, we didn't want our boy feeling so bad. He was just doing so well and in an instant, he seemed to be regressing quickly. He hasn't wanted to eat, he has been experiencing horrible diarrhea since his 3rd chemo treatment of Vinblastine, and we are just trying to right his body at this point. We are desperately hoping this is just from chemo and as the chemo leaves his body, his symptoms will lessen and we can just ride out Max's time with him feeling good.

We were taking things day by day, bc if it is not the chemo, and indeed the cancer that has progressed, we don't want our boy suffering. We can't let that happen. Each day this week Max would sleep more and more until he was sleeping 90% of the time. Each day he was taking further steps backwards and almost not eating at all. We tried EVERYTHING we could. He would eat only certain things, but he wouldn't touch chicken or other things that he use to love and he would usually never eat something more than once. We were going through our arsenal in the pantry trying fish, chicken, beef, baby food, canned dog food, lunch meat.... you name it. Our boy just didn't want to eat.

We were getting to the point where we were having to pick him up to get him to go outside. When he'd go out, he wanted to be there. He'd go potty and then sually lie down in the grass and just stay there. Max knew his time was coming and he just wanted to smell the crisp air and lie down in the grass.

We were all still camping out together in the living room and Colin and I had a good system down with Maxie. We would take him outside together and since he was still having diarrhea (since 10/15), it would take the two of us to make sure he was cleaned up well and had his diapy back on and to make sure he was comfortable. His butt rash was all healed up now and we had found our rhythm. Colin was sleeping on the couch with Sammy Lammington and Max and I were sleeping together on the mattress we drug out from our bedroom. We'd go to sleep together and we'd wake up together. The days ticked by.

As the week progressed, we were realizing more and more that this was most likely NOT from the chemo and that it was indeed from the cancer. Someone from our Brittany group that we belong to sent me a "How do you know when your pet is telling you it's time" list and Max fit almost all of them. He was sleeping round the clock. He was not interacting with toys. On Wednesday he started refusing all of his pills (even when we put them in yummies like lunch meat or cheese). Max was only getting up to go to the bathroom and then he wanted to lie right back down. His quality of life was starting to suffer.

On Thursday I went to McDonald's to buy Max and Sammy a cheeseburger. I was desperate to get some food in him and I figured a cheeseburger was just what the doctor ordered. Max LOVED cheeseburgers and special treats from McDonald's so I really thought this would be the trick.

When I walked in the door, he looked up with excitement and walked towards me. I was so hopeful! I ripped off a piece of burger and he just turned his face away and went to go and lie back down. He wanted nothing to do with it. I started crying. My boy didn't even want a cheeseburger.

That afternoon I was talking with Max and letting him know how much I loved him and I told him everything I wanted him to know. It was just him and I. I let him know how much I loved him and how he had saved me and changed my life. I told my Max all of the things on my heart and I let him know that Colin, Sammy, and I were going to be ok. I let him know it was ok for him to go. Max sat there listening intently and stared at me and listened to every single word I said. We ended the conversation with a kiss and he just stared at me. I stared right back in his eyes and if he could talk I think he would have said "Mama I am so tired. I am ready to go now". I just felt it with all my being that that is what my Max was telling me.

I talked with Colin and we called MSU to set up an appt for the next day to take him in. I couldn't even get the words out to the receptionist on the phone. I had to keep taking deep breaths and when I would go to speak, just noises came out. No words could be formed. The poor lady on the other end said "I understand". Sigh.

That afternoon, we took Max outside and we were given such a beautiful gift. Max laid down in the grass. We laid next to him. I took out my phone and started taking pics and it was as if the world stopped and everything was about that one moment. Max didn't act sick. He would stick his nose up in the air and smell all the smells he could. He would turn his head to the side when he heard a leaf crunch and he'd bite at the air when a fly flew by. He was giving kissies, trying to eat leaves, and acting like his normal crazy self. What a gift. Our hearts were full. Just me, Colin, and my Max.

As the day turned into night, we really wanted Max to try and eat again. We couldn't stand the thought of him going to heaven on an empty stomach. We decided we need to make something really good - something he couldn't resist.... so we made his absolute favorite.

I took out a package of bacon and laid 5 strips on my sheet pan and crisped them up in the oven. Max couldn't resist the smell. His nose went crazy as he lifted his head and took a deep breath in to smell smell smell. Max ate bacon that night. He shared with his brofur, Sammy, but Max ate and enjoyed every single bite. And after the bacon.... he ate his cheeseburger. The whole darn thing. It was marvelous.

It made us so happy that our boy enjoyed his last meal and it was a meal that he always loved.

Our boy, some bacon and a cheeseburger.

After he ate his bacon and cheeseburger, he walked into the kitchen and walked straight through Colin's legs for butt scratchies. Max has always LOVED his butt scratchies and he'd walk halfway through your legs and stop for butt scratchies. He would stomp his feet up and down and wiggle his little booty. Tonight after dinner, it was butt scratchy time. Stomp stomp stomp. Wiggle wiggle wiggle. All of Max's favorites rolled into one special day. Another gift we are so thankful for.

Right at dusk, we went outside for a potty break and I stopped dead in my tracks. Every night for the past few months, I was greeted at night time with a dark black sky and white specks everywhere. God serenaded me every night with a sky blanketed with stars and constellations. It was very soothing to me to be out there at all hours of the night and into the morning taking Max out for his potty breaks while conversing with God through the stars and the different phases of the moon.

But tonight was different. As I walked out onto our back porch, it wasn't a black sky that greeted me. It was a blanket of purple shades. I immediately started to cry as I whispered "I see you God".

You see, every time I pray for peace and comfort for others, I pray that God would "drape them with a blanket of peace & comfort" and I always envision a large purple blanket being laid down over whomever I am praying for. Tonight. the day before Max was going to be in heaven, God was draping us. The sky was shades of purple and it looked like a purple blanket waiting just for us. I took great comfort in know that God was very near.

It was around midnight now and we were going out one last time for the night before bedtime. Just hours before, the sky was a cloudy purple and it had been super cloudy most of the day. I didn't think I would see a star in the sky tonight. Boy was I wrong. We walked out around 12am to a sky full of stars. That sparkly glitter I have talked about before was thrown into the air and settled against this black backdrop. Hello God. I see you again.

For now, we cover ourselves in purple and we marvel at the stars in the sky and we thank God for the gifts He gave us today.

Until tomorrow my friends......








 

Max and the Stars.....

Max was pretty restless last night and he didn't want to go to bed. I think it was bc he was super tired during the day yesterday and mostly slept. He is sleeping a lot.

He is not wanting to eat much. We have been able to get him to eat burger but he's getting bored with that so I boiled a chicken which he usually loves, but he turned his nose up to it. Colin made him a steak so he had some of that this morning with some bone broth. He's barely eating though. :( His diarrhea continues, although not quite as much (maybe 5 times yesterday). We have cut him down on his meds and are only giving him what he needs at this point.

It's incredibly hard to tell if the way he is feeling is chemo related or cancer related. If we knew it was chemo for sure and that he would get better in a few days or week, that would be great. We just want our boy back. If we knew 100% for sure this was the cancer and it was not going to get any better, we would help him along to meet God. The last thing we want to do is to put him down if these are just chemo symptoms. We are praying like crazy for clarity. Please join us in that prayer so we can be confident.

At 1am he decided he wanted to go outside so outside we went! To say the stars were insane last night is an understatement. They were breathtaking! He ran tonight outside. It was more of a happy fast jog, and although he's on bed rest and shouldn't be running, I let the boy run. He laid down in the wet grass (it was raining) and just wanted to lay there, so we laid. The air was crisp, the stars were shining and there wasn't a sound around. Just utter peace and quiet. I decided to let him lay and I headed towards the door to sit on the deck. The next thing I know, there was a Maxie galloping towards me. It was like old times. No pain. No care in the world. Just me, my Max, and the stars.

xoxoxo,

Brenda

MSU Appt. with Head of Oncology.... (10/21/19)

I woke up this morning to something wet on my face. When I opened my eyes, I saw a furry black and white face shoved up against mine and Max was kissing me. Of all days, this is how I woke up today. <3 I can't think of a better way to wake up in the morning!!! <3

We ALL slept from 11pm - 6:15am this morning. It is the most sleep straight that Max and all of us have had in months! I asked him if he had good dreams and he kissed me again. :)

Max's swelling has decreased probably by half in the past 24 hours! His abdomen swelling is down by probably more than half and his leg swelling is down by probably half.

We headed to MSU to meet with the head of the Oncology Dept (he is who we initially met with when we first went to MSU for a 2nd opinion on Max's diagnosis). It was a long day to say the least. Max did NOT gain his angel wings just yet. He is alert today like yesterday and the swelling is 50% down from the weekend. He has gone over 12 hours now without diarrhea so we are thinking and hoping his body is righting itself.

Dr. Paulo said there are not clear answers as to why Max is experiencing the issues he is having. Typically, with dogs with cancer, the reason for the edema (swelling) is the disease is spreading. 😞 Even though Max's tumor and lymph nodes are stable, cancer can be a tricky jerk and find other ways to spread through other vehicles like blood and tissue. When this happens, they will experience swelling and it does not typically right itself and things go down hill from there. He believes this is the case for Max.

However, there has been a shift in his swelling over the past 24 hours, including him going from knocking on heaven's gates on Saturday to being bright and alert on Sunday and then again today (Monday 10/21). The doctor was very surprised by this bc he said it doesn't normally happen this way. This leads me to believe the swelling and diarrhea and GI upset is from his new chemo med that he is just not doing well with. The doctor said there is honestly no way of knowing.

Where we go from here is we go day by day. We see if Max continues to rebound and get better and we see if the fluid goes away more, if the diarrhea goes away, and if he starts eating well again (still super picky).

We are not going to let him suffer. We were ready to put him down today. Our prayer since last week and this weekend was for God to make our path straight and to let us know if it was time, and honestly, if he hadn't had that turn around in the past 24 hours, he would have been with God today.

We will see what the next few days and week holds. We thank you for your continued prayers for us all. I personally believe that the only reason he has some what rebounded is bc God heard ALL of our prayers and your prayers and moved on our behalf. It's either that or God doesn't have enough pillows up there so he needs to stock up first.

Either way, we are trusting God's plan, focusing on Him and enjoying our time with Max. God isn't ready for him yet so until then, we will just keep praying, hoping, and loving our sweet boy.

Cost of treatment:
$201.25 

My Backyard Sanctuary.....

Our backyard is extremely private. We have over 40 trees on our property and many of those are very large pines. We don't have any neighbors close to us and our property is surrounded by rolling hills and hundreds of acres of fields on all 4 sides. It is very private and quiet, except for the Sand Hill Cranes that often pass through making noises from the Jurassic period.

Our backyard has started to become a bit of a sanctuary for me. I have vowed to not cry in the house any more around the dogs bc they really can feel our emotions and I don't want to add any more stress to our boys. Our younger dog, Sammy Lammington, is handling things so well and he knows something is wrong with his brother. He stands over and watches us take care of him and he is so brave when we have to leave him for long days when we head to MSU for treatments. Our boy Sammy Lammington is such a sweetheart.

It is tough to cry inside the house any way bc my husband works from home and is on the phone a lot or doing video teleconferences, so crying and letting it out indoors isn't too much of an option for me. I have found that I just sometimes need to let it out so I go outside. I have so many emotions with what our Maxie is going through; sorrow, grief, stress, anxiety, thanksgiving, joy, and exhaustion. When I say exhaustion, I mean true exhaustion. . I am working on very little sleep each night and during the day there is a lot of care that needs to be done so exhaustion has set in and with that, comes more tears.

Sometimes I don't know how I will get it all done but that is when God sends me strength through our friends and family that are supporting us. God is providing. He has been since day one.

As you probably already know, sometimes just letting it out is good for you! Whether it's going to a comedy club and laughing until you pee - laughing is good for your soul!

Sometimes screaming is a great outlet. Have you seen any of those Mayo Clinic commercials where the person is shown standing on the side of the road or in the forest and they are just screaming at the top of their lungs and then at the end of the commercial you see their car driving in  to the parking lot of the Mayo Clinic. Screaming can be good, too. Crying can also be a great outlet and a way to let off some steam and to reset your mind and heart when you are going through a difficult time.

I have found that I can just let loose outside and cry my eyes out. Our backyard has become the place (besides my car) where I cry out my heart to God. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I ask God for guidance, but most of the time, I just weep.

I go out and walk the property and just cry. It's a great release. Sometimes I cry so hard that the shovel I am holding on to is the only thing that is keeping me from falling down. My cries are never angry tears. They are tears of grief and sorrow for our sweet boy and what he is going through and knowing we won't see him as a senior dog. It is grief knowing that I won't have him around to follow me through the house or to greet me when I come home any more. My tears are cries of joy for the fact we have even had this sweet furry guy in the first place and being thankful to God for giving him to us. My cries are for God to continue to give us strength and comfort as we navigate these uncharted waters and try to help our Maxie.

God provides the space and I provide the tears. God has provided a beautiful space for me in our backyard. At night, the moon and the stars give me light. I gasp when I see the country sky just FILLED with stars as I stand there while Max potty's during all hours of the night. I point out the constellations and the beauty that God gives me on those dark quiet nights. It's honestly as if he sees me coming and grabs a handful of sparkle and tosses it right above our house. It's as if God says "I'm here and I'm listening to you Brenda". And I know He is.

Our backyard has become my sanctuary where my feet and shovel hold me up, where my tears and cries are screamed and where my prayers are heard by God.

I am so thankful.

xoxoxo