My Backyard Sanctuary.....

Our backyard is extremely private. We have over 40 trees on our property and many of those are very large pines. We don't have any neighbors close to us and our property is surrounded by rolling hills and hundreds of acres of fields on all 4 sides. It is very private and quiet, except for the Sand Hill Cranes that often pass through making noises from the Jurassic period.

Our backyard has started to become a bit of a sanctuary for me. I have vowed to not cry in the house any more around the dogs bc they really can feel our emotions and I don't want to add any more stress to our boys. Our younger dog, Sammy Lammington, is handling things so well and he knows something is wrong with his brother. He stands over and watches us take care of him and he is so brave when we have to leave him for long days when we head to MSU for treatments. Our boy Sammy Lammington is such a sweetheart.

It is tough to cry inside the house any way bc my husband works from home and is on the phone a lot or doing video teleconferences, so crying and letting it out indoors isn't too much of an option for me. I have found that I just sometimes need to let it out so I go outside. I have so many emotions with what our Maxie is going through; sorrow, grief, stress, anxiety, thanksgiving, joy, and exhaustion. When I say exhaustion, I mean true exhaustion. . I am working on very little sleep each night and during the day there is a lot of care that needs to be done so exhaustion has set in and with that, comes more tears.

Sometimes I don't know how I will get it all done but that is when God sends me strength through our friends and family that are supporting us. God is providing. He has been since day one.

As you probably already know, sometimes just letting it out is good for you! Whether it's going to a comedy club and laughing until you pee - laughing is good for your soul!

Sometimes screaming is a great outlet. Have you seen any of those Mayo Clinic commercials where the person is shown standing on the side of the road or in the forest and they are just screaming at the top of their lungs and then at the end of the commercial you see their car driving in  to the parking lot of the Mayo Clinic. Screaming can be good, too. Crying can also be a great outlet and a way to let off some steam and to reset your mind and heart when you are going through a difficult time.

I have found that I can just let loose outside and cry my eyes out. Our backyard has become the place (besides my car) where I cry out my heart to God. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I ask God for guidance, but most of the time, I just weep.

I go out and walk the property and just cry. It's a great release. Sometimes I cry so hard that the shovel I am holding on to is the only thing that is keeping me from falling down. My cries are never angry tears. They are tears of grief and sorrow for our sweet boy and what he is going through and knowing we won't see him as a senior dog. It is grief knowing that I won't have him around to follow me through the house or to greet me when I come home any more. My tears are cries of joy for the fact we have even had this sweet furry guy in the first place and being thankful to God for giving him to us. My cries are for God to continue to give us strength and comfort as we navigate these uncharted waters and try to help our Maxie.

God provides the space and I provide the tears. God has provided a beautiful space for me in our backyard. At night, the moon and the stars give me light. I gasp when I see the country sky just FILLED with stars as I stand there while Max potty's during all hours of the night. I point out the constellations and the beauty that God gives me on those dark quiet nights. It's honestly as if he sees me coming and grabs a handful of sparkle and tosses it right above our house. It's as if God says "I'm here and I'm listening to you Brenda". And I know He is.

Our backyard has become my sanctuary where my feet and shovel hold me up, where my tears and cries are screamed and where my prayers are heard by God.

I am so thankful.

xoxoxo