The Specialist Appt.....

Off to the specialist we go! We were referred to Animal Surgical Center in Flint, Mi to have an abdominal ultrasound done. Max LOVES riding in the car and is always a great passenger so off we went heading north to try and get some answers.

We had no idea the storm we were about to walk into. We honestly thought this was a bad UTI infection that had worked it's way into his prostate, which was causing inflammation, and that is why his prostate was enlarged on one end.

We processed and talked through everything a thousand times trying to convince ourselves that's what it was and I even remember talking to my family on the drive up saying "We are 90% confident it's just an infection". We honestly thought we would be told to keep him on Enrofloxican for 8-12 weeks in order to treat it and life would go back to normal.

This specialist is a surgical center so their main goal is to diagnose issues with pets and then present the best surgical options. When we walked in, there were pets there for leg breaks, leg amputations, and various other surgical issues.

Max was taken back for his ultrasound and Colin and I continued to process things aloud, trying to keep ourselves calm and feel confident about the fact that this was a bad infection. We were talking about how we'd need to keep him on medications and use diapers for him and we thought after a few months, he'd be back to normal.

The vet tech came in our room to deliver some paperwork and she told us Max would be right in because they were finished and when she left the room I just knew it. I could tell by her demeanor that something was going to be coming through that door that was not going to be good news.

The doctor that performed his ultrasound came in with Maxie and he was happy as ever and jumped right in between us on the bench. She sat down on the round circular cushioned seat (it's funny how we remember these things) and scooted towards us.

She said a bunch of words that I can't remember. I remember her saying calcification, tumor, and carcinoma. I remember her saying "he has probably had this for a very long time" and the words "fast and aggressive".

Colin and I were in disbelief. We were stunned, shocked, heartbroken, confused, and we were just trying to hear her words, process them, and understand what the heck was happening.

I remember rocking. It was my way of comforting myself. We both started balling our eyes out. She handed me a tissue. We both had our arms around Max as he sat in between us not having a clue what was happening and giving us the "I'm ready to go" look.

I rocked.

We tried to take in all she was saying. I asked her his prognosis and she said "maybe a few months?" with an influx in her voice that made us to believe she was just being hopeful for us. She said there was nothing that could be done because treatment didn't work on this type of cancer.

I continued to rock.

Our heads were spinning. I felt nauseous. I cried. I remember saying "Um. Um. Um." several times because I couldn't form words.

Colin and I looked at each other and I can't explain the sadness we felt. The only other time we felt sadness close to this pain was when we had our ultrasound and found out we had lost our baby.

Ultrasounds are bad for us it seems.

I asked her "Can't this just be a bad infection and how can we know for sure"? She said if we wanted to know for sure, she could perform a needle aspiration and send it out for a biopsy to see for sure if it's cancer or an infection. We wanted to do that because we just needed to know.

She suggested since we had such a long drive, that we leave Max there for the night and she would perform the biopsy the next morning and then we'd have his results in a few days. We couldn't leave our boy there. We couldn't feel good about hearing we have such a limited time left with him and then leave him in an unfamiliar place where he didn't know anyone and where he would not be comfortable. We wanted him to be home with us. To sleep in his own bed.

We planned to come back the next morning for his biopsy. We left the room feeling in shock.

Colin took Max out to the car and I stood in line waiting to pay our bill. As I stood there, people were talking to me and trying to have a conversation with me and I just stood there.

Rocking.

I gave fake nods and fake smiles bc I didn't want to be rude but I was in shock. The doctor's words were racing through my head and all I could hear was "there is nothing we can do" and "maybe a few months".

I started to cry all over again. I couldn't help it.

I was at the counter now to pay and I just cried the entire time. The cashier didn't offer me any comfort, not bc she is a mean person, but probably bc she didn't know what to say.

The conversations stopped around me and people just looked at me now with "I am so sorry eyes".

I rocked. I paid. I cried. We left.

The car ride home was awful. How we even made it home safe.... only God knows. We were devastated. Our boy Max has cancer. We know we can't keep these babies forever but Max isn't even 10 yet. He has 1/3 of his life left to live and we aren't ready for him to go.

How could this be happening?

We wept.

Our boy Max just sat next to me in the backseat kissing my tears offering me comfort.

My friend Cathy Sizemore reminded me this week that it's such a blessing that dogs can't understand what is happening. They don't worry. They just continue to live life and be happy. What a blessing that is and what a lesson for us all.


The biopsy will be tomorrow and we will have clear answers in a few days.

So we thought.....